(I copied this post from tumblr, where it was part of a series called Postcards in My Head (Now deleted). I did so because the author, Dieter Mueller, killed himself. I don’t want these words to pass into some kind of digital obsolescence by being deleted or becoming inaccessible. There was no date on the original post, but I choose to assign 24 November 2014 for reasons made obvious in the post itself.)
When you can read this it means I have successfully departed from this Planet. In the Spirit of Nietzsche and the Stoics I have chosen to end what would have ended some Day anyway.
24. November 2014 somewhere around 5:00 am – when all the Plebs were sleeping and the Night and it’s Silence were mine.
Since I have written many Books, Tens of Thousands Articles, Posts, Comments and Essays I can’t think of anything I haven’t typed before many Times.
I am simply tired and burned out, but also deeply bored.
For almost 30 Years I have been fighting with my Sleeping Problem and it has worn me out. When you struggle for Year to get at least a few Hours of decent Sleep and then try to “function” with the little Energy you have is very exhausting. It’s almost like having half your Day, your Life and your Energy always sucked away.
… and no, I am not suffering from Depression either. I had serious Depressions twice in my Life: once in my early Twenties and in my early Thirties. I got Therapy and Medication – and it worked out fine. So I know the Difference between having a Depression and being depressed just because something sucks.
But I learned to deal with both – so Melancholia was not Problem. I rather enjoyed my “darker” and more thoughtful Sides, because they have their own Advantages and are not all “depressing”.
When I was around 14 or 16 I knew I never wanted to get older than 50. Now that I am 47 I understand why: getting old sucks!
It’s Nature’s Way of telling you it’s going to dismantle and kill you slowly over the next long Decades. Fuck that!
I certainly had a Life – thank you very much.
To any young and dumb People out there: What 99,999% of you suffer from is a Brain that is immature and still evolving. Therefore any Stress of Pain for a young Brain is incredibly intensive. Depending on your Character, but also if your Parents and Teacher have taught you to deal with Stress by challenging you properly instead of “helicoptering” over you – you might be able to handle such intensive Sensation more of less well.
I am an old Fuck now – I did my mandatory +30 Years since I was a Teenager. So get a Life – and only after that you can pull the Plug like me.
So coming back to my dead Navel …
Another Aspect that drove me all my Life was to find my Place, my Home, my People and my Destiny, but I never did.
Strangely the Impermanence of Life was utterly clear to me around 16 or 17 – not that I had mastered NOT wanting Things or letting go easily – but I understood it all was once big “Transit”.
This is once of the Reasons why I never paid into a Pension System or buy a House. It seemed odd and it still doesn’t make any Sense on my last Day. I never was big on Material Things, each new Item in my Life felt like a Drag.
For me Culture brought the Solidity, Weight and “Permanence” into my Life. Not that artificial and childish “Plastic Bag dancing the Wind” beauty Crap. Also not stupid religious Paintings or rich Owners, Kings and Queens having an InstaPaint of their Property and Power done.
There is much to discover apart from the Herds of the Mainstream – but even behind popular Art there is sometimes highly rewarding Depth to be found and enjoyed.
But once off the beaten Track you will find less Travellers and willing or able Companions to follow you into the Empire of the Mind, the endless Sky of fluid emotional Tranquillity or the utter Impact of the Now (it’s like that Zen Thing).
I simple often felt very lonely enjoying many such Pleasures. Sharing isn’t that easy, because you learn to understand that the Reflection that is to be had by Art, Culture and Wisdom can only be seen by those who want to see. It’s not an elitist Thing, but rather a Journey of Self-Discovery and Self-Reflection for each Individual.
But like Sailing on the vast Ocean the further you get away from the Shore the less frequent you met other Explorers – and not all Ships travel in your Direction.
In recent Years in find myself increasingly unable and unwilling to cope and deal with “Normality” when I am back on Land to make a Living.
I don’t mind working – and my Work includes a lot of People Skills as well as “assisted Thinking” so my Clients learn to understand the Things I have worked out and designed for them.
But even when I totally understand their Business Cases and I am perfectly able to “handle” their Egos I simply have no more Energy left to care or hide my Boredom.
Most of my fundamental Design Work I do for most of my Clients within a few Days, but it usually takes Weeks or even Months to communicate and struggle with their Minds to get were I wanted them to be.
It was Fun when I started and developed my Skills (in 25 Years of Freelancing), but now it’s just like dragging unwilling Toddlers over the Floor in Business Kindergarten.
1. Amazing Planet, vast Culture and Knowledge – but stupid People
I am neither highly intelligent nor well educated. Most of my Knowledge I picked up from my early Thirties, since my Parents were just normal Workers, Books or going to University was not “available”.
I don’t blame them – BUT I would have loved to properly study the Classics, discuss them with fellow Students and good Teachers instead digging out all the good Shit in Fragments alone and later in Life.
Sadly all I have is an Overview over the vast Amount of Knowledge and Culture we Humans sit on, I grasp only a a tiny Particle of what we have.
The more frustrating is the Realization that we hardly use any of it.
No I am not suffering from Weltschmerz. I actually consider suffering in a Buddhist Way as well as an important learning Tool, but that doesn’t mean I subscribe to the stupid Notion of “No Pain, no Gain!”.
On the Contrary.
Suffering is Part of Life, but we can live even when we suffer. We are not our Suffering – a Lesson most People don’t understand. They simply define themselves by their Pains and Dramas.
They are wilfully stay in their Caves and obsess about Shadows, while out there is so much to discover.
Most Humans seem unable to progress beyond their Pyramid of simple Needs, their biological Imperative and the little Egoism they are brave enough to “enforce”.
No Surprise that there is also very little Joy in our World – and I don’t mean Fun or Happiness. It all seems one big Fuckfest interrupted by grabbing all the Shit you can and throwing Tantrums to feel at least a little Bit alive.
How boring. How predictable. How joyless.
Once again measure on what we have available in Terms of Culture, Art, Knowledge, Technology, Wisdom and Riches we should be the happiest and most enlightened Beings in the Universe.
Humanity does make huge Progress – and I believe in Progress (Human Progress, not Technocrats getting new Toys) – and we will move forwards despite ourselves.
But watching this slow Progress from my tiny Corner of the Universe, became more and more boring. Most of all I am neither smart nor powerful enough to do something – but I also given up on joining others to do something. Most so called “Progressives” are just equally dumb Copies of the same Mob Mentality as anybody else.
Some Animals always will be more equal than others.
After +20 Years as a Union Members and some other Stunts I simply lacked the Patience, Endurance and Compassion not to strangle my fellow “Revolutionaries” or kill myself … oh wait …
I do admire those who have the Stomach, Determination, Greed or Madness to actually work in the Sausage Factory. Many Politicians and Business People who actually DO Stuff get my Admiration. I lacked the before mentioned Qualities.
So I am evolved into an overqualified Bystander – not a Role I found very fulfilling …
Once again for me it is simply amazing – especially looking back now a hundred Years to WWI and how it changed all Western Democracies into what they are today as well as the Workers & Social Movement starting around 1900 – that “We he People” are now so shitty in taking Power, knowing who the Enemies of Social Justice are and act for a great Good.
Instead the Non-Voters, Entitlement Bitches and Low-Information Citizens seem to grow everyday.
It seems that the hard-wired Altruism in our Brains is as primitive as our equally hard-wired “Will to Power”, Vitality and Aggression. Anything more complex (and nice) seems too much for our Caveman Brains?
2. Eat the Planet
I love Nature and I love Animals. We Humans are currently eating the Planet and destroying the Biosphere we need (“Save the Planet?” – no, save ourselves!).
Each Time when I hear another Species has been extinct it made incredible sad. Once a Part of our amazing Planet and it’s even more amazing Diversity is gone it really is gone.
Our Human Overpopulation is simply the Root Cause for many of our Problems – but we are unable to see that we are Parasites that is killing it’s Host. The Future with Lack of Water, Soil Degradation, Overconsumption and Starvation is now.
In hardly 200 Years we really fucked up this Place and we are unwilling to really change. All that Bullshit Talk about the Environment or Conservation is simply us Humans lying to ourselves.
We are made for survival by grabbing as much as we can and breeding as good as we can. Our Evolution was driven by sparsity and the Environment trying to kill us at any Moment – now that we are the Masters we can’t stop what we are.
3. Fuck you Biology!
This nicely ties in with my personal Experience that shaped my Life. I spent – like most People – a lot of Time Dating, Fucking and following my biological Ikea-Nesting-Instinct.
Not until my early 40’s when my mind slowly rose above the Hormone-invested Ego I called my Personality did I realize that the whole Dating Show had very little to with me and who I am – but everything with what Nature wants me to do.
Evolutionary Biology is a great Key to understanding yourself, but also how Sexuality and Evolution shaped most of our codified social Behaviour as well as daily Interactions.
Sex is wonderful, but it always comes with a clear Purpose attached to it, just as what most People call “Love” is just a Trick of Nature to make us care more for our “Breeding Partnership” and Offspring.
Now that I am older I better understand why so many Religions tried to suppress or transcend Sexuality. You can not be free if your Genitalia still has a hold over you.
There is nothing wrong with Sex or Relationships or having a Family – but most People do not understand when their Mating Drive “moves them along” and when they are really in Control.
Sadly it is a Topic that in Context with Overpopulation that is barely taught to young People – just as we hardly have basic Sex Education or classic Philosophy in School to teach little Humans what it means to be Human.
Instead we wrangle with religious Fucks about irrelevant Crap they want to be taught in Schools or the Industry crying for better Worker Drones with relevant Skills.
Fuck Skills. Fuck Religion. Learn first what it means to be Human, before you decide what you want to do.
It is impossible to put into Words how much Joy, Pleasure and Insights I had in my Life – no matter how harsh my other Words and Statements are.
From Music to Art there are a Tens of Thousands of Pieces I loved, enjoyed and cherished. The same applies to many intellectual Ideas & Debates – as well as the little Science I understood (there is a big Difference between admiring Einstein and really understanding why you admire him).
Don’t be a Cavemen, be an Übermensch. There is so much to be discovered and learned about from simplistic Hedonism and Materialism.
Here is my last Wave to my Friends and those who knew me.
My Apologise to all those who are pained by my Departure, but also those who might feel “betrayed” that I never talked about my “Problems”.
No, there where no Problems. So you couldn’t have helped me to solve anything or change my Mind.
The Question is never if we die, but when and how we die.
This is my Life and I wanted it to be my Death on my Terms and my Decision. Not some bloody Cancer eating me alive or Dementia slowly but brutally fading me away. Once again: Fuck that!
And why should I burden myself with your Sorrows about my Departure?
Would you as a Friend not grant me the Passage I want to enjoy by my own Design & Desire? You can only live your Life, I could only live mine.
Enjoy your Life and explore the good Shit, not the cheap low hanging Fruit.
Time to die. Shed a Tear for me – and now fuck off!