A semi-honest flight safety card, either from, or inspired by, the film Fight Club.
A semi-honest flight safety card, either from, or inspired by, the film Fight Club.

One of my all-time personal and professional pet hates is the ubiquitous disclaimer.

Personally it affronts me by saying: ‘I’m gonna tell you this, but don’t hold me to it; it’s likely that I’m lying to you.’

Professionally it says: ‘You’re gonna pay me to tell you this, but don’t hold me accountable for it in any way; caveat emptor, buddy.’

The following is a collection of disclaimers I have come across that either particularly irked me or that had me giggling insanely to myself. Enjoy.

Read before use

This article does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either myself, my company, my friends, or my cat. Don’t quote me on that. Don’t quote me on anything. All rights reserved. You may distribute this article freely but you may not make a profit from it. Terms are subject to change without notice. Do not remove this disclaimer under penalty of law.

Article is provided “as is” without any warranties. Reader assumes full responsibility. An equal opportunity article. No shoes, no shirt, no articles. Quantities are limited while supplies last. If any defects are discovered, do not attempt to read them yourself, but return to an authorized service center. Read at your own risk. Parental advisory – explicit lyrics. Text may contain explicit materials some readers may find objectionable, parental guidance is advised. Keep away from sunlight. Keep away from pets and small children.

Smoking this article could be hazardous to your health.

If rash, irritation, redness, or swelling develops, discontinue reading. Read only with proper ventilation.

This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. List each cheque separately by bank number. Batteries not included.

Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. No other warranty expressed or implied. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be paid by addressee. Subject to CAB approval. This is not an offer to sell securities. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb.

All models over 18 years of age. If condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. Simulated picture. No postage necessary if mailed in Australia. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. For off-road use only. As seen on TV. One size fits all.

The second part of the flight card.
The second part of the flight card.

Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. Colors may fade. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Edited for television. Keep cool.
Process promptly. List was current at time of printing. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. At participating locations only. Penalty for private use. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal.

Do not write below this line. Beware falling rock. Lost ticket pays maximum rate. Add toner. Place stamp here. Avoid contact with skin. Sanitized for your protection. Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. No purchase necessary. Processed at location stamped in code at top of carton.

Use only in a well-ventilated are. Keep away from fire or flames. Approved for veterans. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does not include taxes. Not recommended for children. Reproduction strictly prohibited.

No solicitors. No alcohol, dogs or horses. No anchovies unless otherwise specified.

Unix is a registered trademark of AT&T. No transfers issued until the bus comes to a complete stop. Package sold by weight, not volume. Your mileage may vary.

Hand wash only, tumble dry on low heat. Do not bend, fold, mutilate, or spindle. No substitutions allowed. For a limited time only. This article is void where prohibited, taxed, or otherwise restricted.

Caveat emptor.

Limit one-per-family please. Some assembly required. Batteries not included. Instructions are included. Action figures sold separately. No preservatives added. Safety goggles may be required during use. Sealed for your protection, do not read if safety seal is broken. Call before you dig. Not liable for damages arising from use or misuse.

For external use only. Avoid extreme temperatures and store in a cool dry place. Keep away from open flames. Avoid contact with eyes and skin and avoid inhaling fumes. Do not puncture, incinerate, or store above 120 degrees Fahrenheit. Do not place near a flammable or magnetic source.

The best safeguard, second only to abstinence, is the use of a condom. No salt, MSG, artificial color or flavoring added. If ingested, do not induce vomiting, and if symptoms persist, consult a physician. May cause any of the aforementioned effects and/or death.

Articles are ribbed for your pleasure. Offer valid only at participating sites. Allow four to six weeks for delivery. Must be 18 to read.

Disclaimer does not cover misuse, accident, lightning, flood, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, earthquake, hurricanes and other Acts of God, neglect, damage from incorrect line voltage, improper or unauthorized reading, broken antenna or marred cabinet, missing or altered serial numbers, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, sonic boom vibrations, customer adjustments that are not covered in this list, and incidents owing to an airplane crash, ship sinking or taking on water, motor vehicle crashing, dropping the item, falling rocks, leaky roof, broken glass, mud slides, forest fire, or projectile (which can include, but not be limited to, arrows, bullets, shot, BBs, shrapnel, lasers, napalm, torpedoes, or emissions of X-rays, Alpha, Beta and Gamma rays, knives, stones, etc.). Other restrictions may apply.

This supersedes all previous notices.

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